Return
to Menu 1...
................God's
Second
A Young Man once asked God how long a
million years was to Him.
God replied, "A million years to me is just like a single second
is for you."
Then the young man asked God what a million dollars was to Him.
God replied, "A million dollars to me is just like a single Penny
is to you."
Then the young man said: "God, could I have one of your pennies?"
God smiled and replied, "Certainly, Just a second."
.............Only In America
Only in America...can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance...
Only in America...are there handicap parking places in front of a skating
rink..
Only in America...do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the
back of the store to get their prescriptions.
Only in America...do people order double cheese burgers, a large fry,
and a diet coke...
Only in America...do banks leave the safe doors open and then chain the
pens to the counters...
Only in America...do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway
and leave useless junk in the garage...
Only in America...do we use answering machines to screen calls and then
have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want
to talk to in the first place...
Only in America...do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages
of eight...
Only in America...do we use the word "politics" to describe
the process so well: "Poli" in Latin "many" and "tics"
meaning "blood-sucking creatures"...
Return to top
..............Four Tires and a Funeral
At Duke University, there were four sophomores taking Organic Chemistry.
They did so well on all the quizzes, midterms and labs, etc., that each
had an "A" so far for the semester.
These four friends were so confident that the weekend before finals they
decided to go up to the University of Virginia and party with some friends
up there. They had a great time; however, after all the hearty partying,
they slept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Duke until early
Monday morning. Rather than take the final then, they decided to find
their professor after the final and explain to him why they missed it.
They explained that they had gone to UVA for the weekend with the plan
to study but, unfortunately, they had a flat tire on the way back, didn't
have a spare, and couldn't get help for a long time. As a result they
missed the final. The Professor thought it over and then agreed they could
make up the final the following day. The guys were elated and relieved.
They studied that night and went in the next day at the time the Professor
had told them. He placed them in separate rooms and handed each of them
a test booklet and told them to begin.
They looked at the first problem, worth 5 points, something simple about
free radical formation. "Cool," they thought at the same time,
each one in his separate room, "this is going to be easy." Each
finished the problem and then turned the page. On the second page was
written:
(For 95 points): Which tire?
Return to
top
.......................Mealth Health Hotline
"Hello, and welcome to the mental health hotline.
If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
If you are codependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the
line so we can trace your call.
If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the
mother ship.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell
you which number to press.
If you are a manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press:
no-one will answer.
If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969.
If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the hash key until
a representative comes on the line.
If you have amnesia press 8 and state your name, address, phone number,
date of birth, social security number and your mother's maiden name.
If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, slowly and carefully Press
000.
If you have bipolar disorder, please leave a message after the beep or
before the beep. Or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have low self esteem. Please hang up. All our operators are too
busy to talk to you."
